5 Ways to Build Good Manners in a Muslim home

It is obligatory for every Muslim to build good manners in their homes. Allah has commanded to be a good example to our family, relatives and the world in general.

We’ll discuss 5 ways to build good manners in a Muslim home which is as follows;

1. Spreading kindness in the home.

‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: ‘When Allaah – may He be glorified – wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.’” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/71; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 303). 

According to another report: “When Allaah loves the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.” (Reported by Ibn Abi al-Dunya and others; Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 1704). 

In other words, they start to be kind to one another. This is one of the means of attaining happiness in the home, for kindness is very beneficial between the spouses, and with the children, and brings results that cannot be achieved through harshness, as the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Allaah loves kindness and rewards it in such a way that He does not reward for harshness or for anything else.” (Reported by Muslim, Kitaab al-Birr wa’l-Sillah wa ’l-Aadaab, no. 2592).

2. Helping one’s wife with the housework.

Many men think that housework is beneath them, and some of them think that it will undermine their status and position if they help their wives with this work.

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him), however, used to “sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes and do whatever other work men do in their homes.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/121; Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4927).

This was said by his wife ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do in his house; her response described what she herself had seen. 

According to another report, she said: “He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself.” (Reported by Imaam Ahmad in al-Musnad, 6/256; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, 671).

She (may Allaah be pleased with her) was also asked about what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do in his house, and she said, “He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray.” (Reported by al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 2/162).

If we were to do likewise nowadays, we would achieve three things: We would be following the example of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) We would be helping our wives We would feel more humble, not arrogant.

Some men demand food instantly from their wives, when the pot is on the stove and the baby is screaming to be fed; they do not pick up the child or wait a little while for the food.

Let these ahaadeeth be a reminder and a lesson.

3. Being affectionate towards and joking with the members of the family.

Showing affection towards one’s wife and children is one of the things that lead to creating an atmosphere of happiness and friendliness in the home.

Thus the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) advised Jaabir to marry a virgin, saying, “Why did you not marry a virgin, so you could play with her and she could play with you, and you could make her laugh and she could make you laugh?” (The hadeeth is reported in a number of places in the Saheehayn, such as al-Bukhaari, al-Fath, 9/121).

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said: “Everything in which Allaah’s name is not mentioned is idleness and play, except for four things: a man playing with his wife…” (Reported by al- Nisaa'i in ‘Ushrat al -Nisa’, p. 87; also in Saheeh al-Jaami’).

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to treat his wife ‘Aa’ishah affectionately when doing ghusl with her, as she (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: “The Messenger of Allaah and I used to do ghusl together from one vessel, and he would pretend to take all the water so that I would say, ‘Leave some for me, leave some for me,’” – and both of them were in a state of janaabah (impurity). (Muslim bi Sharh al -Nawawi, 4/6).

The ways in which the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) showed affection towards young children are too famous to need mentioning. He often used to show his affection towards Hasan and Husayn, as mentioned above.

This is probably one of the reason why the children used to rejoice when he came back from travelling; they would rush to welcome him, as reported in the saheeh hadeeth: 

“Whenever he came back from a journey, the children of his household would be taken out to meet him.” He (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to hug them close to him, as ‘Abd-Allaah ibn Ja;far said: 

“Whenever the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came back from a journey, we would be taken out to meet him. One day we met him, Hasan, Husayn and I.

He carried one of us in front of him, and another on his back, until we entered Madeenah.” (Saheeh Muslim, 4/1885-2772; see the commentary in Tuhfat al-Ahwadhi, 8/56).

Compare this with the situation in some miserable homes where there are no truthful jokes [i.e., jokes that do not involve lying], no affection and no mercy. 

Whoever thinks that kissing his children goes against the dignity of fatherhood should read the following hadeeth: from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) who said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) kissed al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali, and al- Aqra’ ibn Haabis al-Tameemi was sitting with him. Al-Aqra’ said: ‘I have ten children and I have never kissed any one of them.’ 

The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) looked at him and said: ‘The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’”

4. Resisting bad manners in the home.

Every member of the household is bound to have some bad characteristics, such as aslying, backbiting, gossiping and so on. These bad characteristics have to be resisted and opposed.

Some people think that corporal punishment is the only way to deal with such things. The following hadeeth is very educational on this topic: from ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) who said: “If the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) came to know that one of his household had told a lie, he would try to ignore him until he repented.” (See al-Musnad by Imaam Ahmad, 6/152. The text of the hadeeth is also in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 4675).

It is clear from the hadeeth that turning away and forsaking a person by not speaking to them, rather than resorting to punishment, is effective in such circumstances, and may be more effective than physical punishment, so let parents and caregivers think about this.

5. “Hang up the whip where the members of the household can see it.”

(Reported by Abu Na’eem in al-Hilyah, 7/332; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, no. 1446). Hinting at punishment is an effective means of discipline, so the reason for hanging up a whip or stick in the house was explained in another report, where the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Hang up the whip where the members of the household can see it, for this is more effective in disciplining them.” (Reported by al -Tabaraani, 10/344-345; al-Silsilat al-Saheehah, no. 1447)

Seeing the means of punishment hanging up will make those who have bad intentions refrain from indulging in bad behaviour, lest they get a taste of the punishment. It will motivate them to behave themselves and be good-mannered. Ibn al-Anbaari said: “There is nothing to suggest that it should be used for hitting, because [the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him)] did not command anyone to do that. What he meant was: keep on disciplining them.” (See Fayd al-Qadeer by al-Mannaawi, 4/325).

Hitting is not the way to discipline; it is not to be resorted to, except when all other means are exhausted, or when it is needed to force someone to do obligatory acts of obedience, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “… As to those women on whose part you fear ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful)…” [al-Nisa’ 4:34] – in that order.

There is also the hadeeth: “Order your children to pray when they are seven years old, and hit them if they do not do so when they are ten.” (Sunan Abi Dawood, 1/334; see also Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 1/266).

As for hitting unnecessarily, this is aggression. The Messenger of Allaah (peace andblessings of Allaah be upon him) advised a woman not to marry a man because he always had his stick on his shoulder, i.e., he used to beat his wives.

On the other hand, there are those who think that they should never use this method of discipline at all, following some kaafir educational theories; this is also a mistaken opinion that goes against the sharee’ah.